Someone who sleeps around often thinks that when people want a partner with a not so promiscuous past, they are insecure about their ability to compete sexually, or for religious reasons. However, there are lots of reasons why it is better to choose a partner that has had fewer sexual partners beyond low self-esteem, or wanting someone who is “pure”. I’ve talked to thousands of people who have had dozens or even hundreds of sexual partners. They are often nice, smart, cool people, but exhibit more than one of the issues I listed below. Any of these can be dealbreakers to a leading a successful long-term relationship:
1: Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)
I’m not even too worried about HIV/AIDS. It may be incurable, but it’s also pretty rare in the western world, and difficult to catch as a heterosexual male. What I’m worried about is the STDs that condoms don’t protect you from, like Genital Herpes and HPV (cause of genital warts & cervical cancer). Basically, if you have lots of sex with lots of different people, you have this.
Even if your partner has said that they always used condoms, in practice, this is often not the case. Many people use condoms inconsistently, especially in younger years. Girls will just let the guy “stick it in” for a few moments, or put the condom on at the end in order to prevent pregnancy, ignoring potential STDs.
But even just “sticking it in” for a few moments is enough to contract a number of diseases, like Chamydia, Gonhorrea, and Trichonomadis. These diseases are highly contagious, and in 50% of cases, don’t manifest symptoms. They will however make you infertile if you aren’t treated.
2: Values towards intimacy
Your partner may say that sex is still special to them, and this may be the case. Sex with emotional involvement is definitely more intimate and special then casual sex, to most any person. But obviously sex is definitely less special if you do it with lots of people all the time. If we were talking about anything other than past sexual partners, this wouldn’t be an issue.
Think about what it will be like to marry a person like this. If sex is something sacred to you, do you really want your partner giving your daughter the advice “If you have one night stands, use a condom”? I mean, it’s logical advice, buf if sex is intimate to you, wouldn’t you rather have a partner that says “every time you sleep with someone, you give them a piece of yourself. So choose wisely”?
Do you really want to be with someone who places less value on intimacy than you do?
3: Psychological and emotional problems
Very few people that sleep around do so simply because they enjoy it. Casual sex with new partners is never as good as sex with someone you know better. Most of the time promiscuous people fall into these categories:
- They are wildly insecure about themselves
These are the ones that sleep with people to get attention, and build their self-worth. The positive feedback they get from people gives them a short boost in self-esteem. But that boost in self-esteem falls off after a few dates, and so the people drift apart, and the promiscuous person has to find someone else to give them a boost. The short-lived nature of these “boosts”, plus the good feelings that sex gives you, combined with a society that makes it “cool” to sleep around, turn into an addiction for these people.
- They are bad judges of character
This is often the case with women. They like a guy, think he’s nice, sleep with him, and then he’s gone. Of course, if you are insecure, it impairs your ability to judge people correctly.
Insecurity is the basis of all other problems in a relationship. Jealousy, most forms of anger, most arguments that get out of hand, are all just manifestations of a person’s inner insecurity. So promiscuity can be a sign of other problems in a person’s makeup. I believe that maintaining a long-term relationship is hard enough as it is, without having to deal with someone’s deep-seeded insecurities.
4:Past baggage: Men, pictures, kids, etc.
If there are more past sex partners, you are going to be more likely to run into remnants of that past: Ex lovers you run into, children from past relationships, photos and videos of past lovers doing unspeakable things to your partner; all of it has happened. This is super tough to swallow — in part because of the social stigma of dating someone promiscuous, and in part because of the images these encounters with his or or past will trigger in your mind. Also, if they have children, and you are both still under 30, do you really want to raise someone else’s child? In the beginning, it may not be an issue, because you never see the kid. But once it gets more serious, you will see more of the kid.
5: Problems leading long-term relationships
Most women I know, who have great long-term relationships have, had less than 10 sexual partners, even when in their 30s. I know a few that are around 15 partners and happily married, but above 20 they usually have issues. I have yet to meet a woman that has had more than 50 sex partners and was in a solid, healthy, balanced, loving relationship.
Promiscuous people usually are incapable of having long-term relationships because they are so used to casual sex that they’ve forgotten how to be committed. As soon as the relationship gets rocky, they resort back to their network of past sex partners, or start going on the lookout for new sex partners, because they don’t value physical intimacy enough & because they have low self-esteem and need a boost. Which, coincedentally are reasons #2 and 3 why dating someone with a turbulent sexual past often spells trouble.
Look, I’m not saying that it’s impossible to have a relationship with someone who has a promiscuous sexual past. There are circumstances under which it may make sense to stay in a relationship with a partner that has slept around. But there are a lot of factors that will make it a lot harder to maintain that relationship, factors that are definitely not in the past, and they are all factors that are beyond your control. Remember that when you are dating someone.
What do you think?
Have you been in a relationship with someone who has slept around? How did you feel about it? Does the past matter to you? Let me know in the comments.
No related posts.