Someone who sleeps around often thinks that when people want a partner with a not so promiscuous past, they are insecure about their ability to compete sexually, or for religious reasons. However, there are lots of reasons why it is better to choose a partner that has had fewer sexual partners beyond low self-esteem, or wanting someone who is “pure”. I’ve talked to thousands of people who have had dozens or even hundreds of sexual partners. They are often nice, smart, cool people, but exhibit more than one of the issues I listed below. Any of these can be dealbreakers to a leading a successful long-term relationship:
1: Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)
I’m not even too worried about HIV/AIDS. It may be incurable, but it’s also pretty rare in the western world, and difficult to catch as a heterosexual male. What I’m worried about is the STDs that condoms don’t protect you from, like Genital Herpes and HPV (cause of genital warts & cervical cancer). Basically, if you have lots of sex with lots of different people, you have this.
Even if your partner has said that they always used condoms, in practice, this is often not the case. Many people use condoms inconsistently, especially in younger years. Girls will just let the guy “stick it in” for a few moments, or put the condom on at the end in order to prevent pregnancy, ignoring potential STDs.
But even just “sticking it in” for a few moments is enough to contract a number of diseases, like Chamydia, Gonhorrea, and Trichonomadis. These diseases are highly contagious, and in 50% of cases, don’t manifest symptoms. They will however make you infertile if you aren’t treated.
2: Values towards intimacy
Your partner may say that sex is still special to them, and this may be the case. Sex with emotional involvement is definitely more intimate and special then casual sex, to most any person. But obviously sex is definitely less special if you do it with lots of people all the time. If we were talking about anything other than past sexual partners, this wouldn’t be an issue.
Think about what it will be like to marry a person like this. If sex is something sacred to you, do you really want your partner giving your daughter the advice “If you have one night stands, use a condom”? I mean, it’s logical advice, buf if sex is intimate to you, wouldn’t you rather have a partner that says “every time you sleep with someone, you give them a piece of yourself. So choose wisely”?
Do you really want to be with someone who places less value on intimacy than you do?
3: Psychological and emotional problems
Very few people that sleep around do so simply because they enjoy it. Casual sex with new partners is never as good as sex with someone you know better. Most of the time promiscuous people fall into these categories:
- They are wildly insecure about themselves
These are the ones that sleep with people to get attention, and build their self-worth. The positive feedback they get from people gives them a short boost in self-esteem. But that boost in self-esteem falls off after a few dates, and so the people drift apart, and the promiscuous person has to find someone else to give them a boost. The short-lived nature of these “boosts”, plus the good feelings that sex gives you, combined with a society that makes it “cool” to sleep around, turn into an addiction for these people.
- They are bad judges of character
This is often the case with women. They like a guy, think he’s nice, sleep with him, and then he’s gone. Of course, if you are insecure, it impairs your ability to judge people correctly.
Insecurity is the basis of all other problems in a relationship. Jealousy, most forms of anger, most arguments that get out of hand, are all just manifestations of a person’s inner insecurity. So promiscuity can be a sign of other problems in a person’s makeup. I believe that maintaining a long-term relationship is hard enough as it is, without having to deal with someone’s deep-seeded insecurities.
4:Past baggage: Men, pictures, kids, etc.
If there are more past sex partners, you are going to be more likely to run into remnants of that past: Ex lovers you run into, children from past relationships, photos and videos of past lovers doing unspeakable things to your partner; all of it has happened. This is super tough to swallow — in part because of the social stigma of dating someone promiscuous, and in part because of the images these encounters with his or or past will trigger in your mind. Also, if they have children, and you are both still under 30, do you really want to raise someone else’s child? In the beginning, it may not be an issue, because you never see the kid. But once it gets more serious, you will see more of the kid.
5: Problems leading long-term relationships
Most women I know, who have great long-term relationships have, had less than 10 sexual partners, even when in their 30s. I know a few that are around 15 partners and happily married, but above 20 they usually have issues. I have yet to meet a woman that has had more than 50 sex partners and was in a solid, healthy, balanced, loving relationship.
Promiscuous people usually are incapable of having long-term relationships because they are so used to casual sex that they’ve forgotten how to be committed. As soon as the relationship gets rocky, they resort back to their network of past sex partners, or start going on the lookout for new sex partners, because they don’t value physical intimacy enough & because they have low self-esteem and need a boost. Which, coincedentally are reasons #2 and 3 why dating someone with a turbulent sexual past often spells trouble.
Look, I’m not saying that it’s impossible to have a relationship with someone who has a promiscuous sexual past. There are circumstances under which it may make sense to stay in a relationship with a partner that has slept around. But there are a lot of factors that will make it a lot harder to maintain that relationship, factors that are definitely not in the past, and they are all factors that are beyond your control. Remember that when you are dating someone.
What do you think?
Have you been in a relationship with someone who has slept around? How did you feel about it? Does the past matter to you? Let me know in the comments.
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Part of the problem is, how do you meet women who share chaste values? Especially if you are not religious.
I pretty much get hit in the head with a purse every time I tell a new woman I am dating that this subject is important to me. I try to be as respectful as possible but it doesn’t matter, they get indignant and angry.
IMO most women who have casual sex don’t want to accept the consequences of their decisions like adults.
The double standard is still thriving. Men can be “studs” and sleep with as many women as they like and it is to be admired, where as women are categorized with names such as sluts, cunts, whore, bitches……
Come on people! It’s all about forgiveness. If you love her, you have to love her unconditionally, and that means that you have to forgive her past. It’s 2012! Grow up.
Nobody HAS to forgive ANYTHING. That’s an extremely simple and obvious statement that a lot of people tend to ignore. They have these weird scenarios in their head where a perverted and twisted “love” binds together two people with completely different morals and values. They call this “unconditional love”.
Here’s another newsflash: there is no unconditional love. Because if there was we would fall in love with anyone. Everybody judges everybody else according to his own standards. And that’s ok.
For me each person deserves to choose his partner based on the TRUTH. And two people who are FUNDAMENTALLY different should NOT be together. Yes, that means judgment and rejection, people. Deal with it. It’s a part of life.
“And what about love? Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate”
I agree with this post. Why force yourself to accept someone who you don’t really want to accept, just to be with someone? It’s like they say, don’t try to change a person into being perfect. Instead find someone who already is perfect to you.
I don’t get it, why men who have problems with their partner’s past, deliberately stay in relationships, or deliberately date women, who they KNOW they will have this issue with. Why? That’s like me saying I hate smokers, yet I keep dating men who smoke only to dedicate my life to complain about it. Doesn’t make sense.
Sure, I can get over my hatred for cigarettes, but what’s the point when there are already tons of people out there who doesn’t smoke and I could just date one of them instead?
People need to have the self insight to know whether someone is right for them or not, and then cut their losses if the relationship doesn’t work for them. Instead of dragging it on and on and on.
It is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person and be miserable.
What a ridiculous blog post. You seem to believe that either women possess time machines and are unwilling to travel back in time to change it for you, or that women have future-seeing powers and while they can see that they will one day meet a husband who wants to own their vaginas, choose to have a life anyways. You are demanding that women refuse to date or have lives because someday some man will come along demanding his property be “unused” like a car.
Your argument is, in essence, that men deserve ownership of these women. Your post is dripping with the kind of sexism that is used to legally allow men to own women in other countries. That women are so irresponsible and amoral, that they cannot be trusted to find their own mate because they might arrive to him used up like a piece of toilet paper. That women are worth no more than their vagina, which has arbitrarily been valued by the men around her. There is no difference between a virgin woman and a non-virgin woman, except that a few men cannot handle the idea that their property has exercised her free will at some point.
You do not get ownership of women. Those days are long past. Women have lives outside of the men they meet. They don’t sit around in chastity belts waiting to be sold like animals to their future husbands to act as sex slaves. Get over it. Women are not your property, they are not your sex slaves, they are human beings with abilities to make their own choices. Stop blaming women for your own problems.
And one last thing, it is incredibly sad that you believe women are nothing more than vaginas. I feel very sorry for your ex wife that you married her for her vagina rather than for her personality. Do you honestly believe women do not have more to offer than their reproductive organs?
I find it odd that you don’t mention your own sexual past. Is this a female-specific thing? In fact you outright say that only inexperienced men would think they shouldn’t aim for a virgin.
Why can’t I date whoever I want?
If I want to date women with blond hair, that is fine. If I want to date women of a certain age, that is fine. Certain religion. Certain opinion about politics. Etc.
But if I only want to date women who share my sexual values, why does this mean I am attacking and judging everyone who is different from me? Why can’t I look for a partner who shares my personal beliefs just because they aren’t as popular as some others?
of course you can date whomever you want. By all means. You SHOULD date women who share your sexual values,you SHOULD look for a partner who shares your personal beliefs.
What you should NOT do, is what most men do : get anything that comes their way, because they are too wimpy and neurotic to either go after precisely what they want or stand their singletude with dignity. They STAY in the relationship, gladly taking sex, attentions and affection, …from a woman whom they basically feel contempt for and feel morally superior to. Talk about spitting in the plate where you are eating in . Personally, I think THIS is immoral.
If you only like blondes, go after blondes. Don’t take up with a brunette only to torment her about her inadequate ( according to you ) hair colour.
“Why can’t I date whoever I want?”
Of course you can.
“why does this mean I am attacking and judging everyone who is different from me?”
You’re not but most guys that I’ve seen weren’t virgins either, they had their own past and very often they impose values on the woman they’re with that they don’t even have themselves. But if like the OP you use terms such as “slutty” or “better” and turn it into a moral argument then yes that’s judgemental and attacking. One of my closest female friends has one of the seediest sex lives of anyone I’ve ever met, 50+ guys before she stopped counting and that’s only counting full sex, her oral and manual count goes well into triple digits. She is one of the most morally strict and principled people I know. A very loyal, loving, caring and trustworthy friend who has never once in the 9+ years I’ve known her deliberately tried to hurt anyone in any way. Her sex life is not a true gauge of the person she is and for people to call her slut or any of that other shit or condemn her as a bad person for that is completely unfair because she’s not. She has to hide her past from guys because there are too many that will judge her before even getting to know her and she hopes when they do find out they’ll be able to see past that and still love her.
You see she has learned over the years that a lot of guys will say that they’re okay with it even when she does tell them early only for them to either have lied just to bed her or for her to be a nice little experiment for the guys who weren’t okay with it but decided to try it anyway.
For girls like her it’s no-win. You tell them, they walk away, lie or try you out. You don’t tell them until later they feel betrayed or lied to. In all ways she’s fucked then. Because people view her as damaged goods and the most fucked up thing about that is that the majority of her large number of sexual partners were the liar or experimentation type who dropped her because of her past. So it’s catch 22.
“Why can’t I look for a partner who shares my personal beliefs just because they aren’t as popular as some others?”
You can, but you then limit yourself hugely by discounting some very good women based on the things they’ve done and not who they are. Again that is your choice.
You just have to make sure you date that kind of woman then, you have ensure you know her sexual history is acceptable before you commit and hope she’s one of the ones that will be honest and open about her past because in my experience most women aren’t and even more of them think it’s unacceptable for a guy to even ask and perfectly acceptable to keep their past private.
Unfortunately that’s just the way the world works.
What difference does it make? Why does it bother you? You can’t turn back the clock so either you leave it in the past where it belongs or you make yourself and probably your wife miserable by dwelling on it.
I suggest you watch the movie “Chasing Amy.” It has some terrific and funny insight on the subject of a girl’s past getting in the way a good relationship with her boyfriend. What’s funny about the movie is that she happens to be a lesbian, and slept with dozens of women, but the one thing that gets to her boyfriend that messes with his brain is when he learns about a one-time threesome she had with two guys. I’m not giving it all away, but see this movie and you might get a better grasp of the fact that a woman’s past is just something you have to live with…if you love her you have to look past it. Its part of growing up, and as you get older and you go out with older women, you’ll get to where you just don’t want to know about their past…and honestly its their business anyway, their history.
Everything about a person dictates how I perceive them to some extent, and sexual history is a pretty big part of a person’s past. Why would you ignore it? You don’t ignore anything when it comes to your partner.
Agreed. I need to know that my potential partner views and treats sex the same way that I do. Otherwise the relationship is much more likely to fail, and the sex won’t mean as much.
It matters to me, though it’s not really intentional. I don’t really CARE about their history aside from making sure they’re clean. But, for instance, my gf told me like a month ago who she’s had sex with (in a casual conversation) and I knew some of the dudes she mentioned. It kind of pissed me off because those guys are pretty regular douchebags and the fact that she’d sleep with people like that was upsetting. And yeah, it changed the way I looked at her because I didn’t know she was the type of person that would do that.
I can’t really help it, when you hear something like that it weighs on you a bit and you HAVE to think about it.